Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
