No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
