i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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