Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
