I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
