I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
