Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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