So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
