I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
