Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Shame - the story of my life.
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