sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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