I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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