I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
