Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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