those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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