it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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