So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm like, not good at living.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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