Only a mothe r could love this liver
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
