I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
