apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
