what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
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Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
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I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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