I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
