i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
