you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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