There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
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I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
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Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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