Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
