i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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