i jhust puked up my retainher.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.