had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?