Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
