Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
