Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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