she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
