The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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