Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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