I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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