I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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