I'm sorry my penis didn't work
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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