Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
