I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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