if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
