He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
