I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
