There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
