well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
