He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
