Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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