Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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