I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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