I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
the gays at disneyland are vicious
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
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I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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