So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
