She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
