someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
