Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
