My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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